EMOTIONS RUN HIGH...(pardon my english)

My emotions are running high today.

I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I had my six week follow up with my gyn/onc today.  She asks me: "Tanya how are you doing?" My response: "good" she says "I am beginning to wonder about your mental stability." I was a little shocked and asked her "why?" She responds "There is a lot going on with you and you just seem to think nothing is a big deal, everything is rainbows and butterflies.  This is a HUGE deal, I just wonder if you have excepted it?  Have you dealt with it?  You know we have people you can talk to"  Slightly irritated I look her in the eye and say "Yes I have dealt with it, I know I am a cancer patient.  I am fully aware I have cancer.  I am fully aware this is SERIOUS.  I know how important this situation is.  I refuse to sit on my fat ass all day long, dwelling in the fact that I.  HAVE. CANCER.  I will not waste the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself, and throwing a pity party.  I know I have an active tumor in my pelvis the size of a fucking golf ball that puts pressure on my bladder every day all day long.  Or that there is a very real and huge chance the cancer has metastasized into my lungs.  I am even aware of the fact that my fucking platelets are in the 30's and you people can't seem to figure out what to do about it in order to treat me for the very real cancer that's taking over my body.  She just smiles and says, "there you are, I thought we lost you for a moment"  Meanwhile, I have two screaming babies that are over being quiet and at a doctors office and just want to scream and run through the halls naked! I finally say "are we done here?"  I know she means well and part of her care for me is to treat my mental status, but today is just not the day for this horseshit. 

 

Driving home from my appointment I start thinking about everything.  When I say my emotions are running high I mean high.  I am so frustrated with EVERYTHING! I don't know which way to turn, which way is up?  Life is just so complicated right now.  I am the type of person to hold everything in.  I don't express much of my emotions very often.  However, today is just one of those days where I have to get it all out.  I have been crying for a few hours now.  I am frustrated at being a cancer patient.  I hate cancer and what it has done to my body.  I hate all the medicine and vitamins I am having to take to function on a daily basis.  My platelets being 26 today, really just pisses me right the  fuck off.  Now I have to get a blood transfusion, possible bone marrow biopsy and they might not let me travel to Chicago if my platelets are still this low.  FORGET THIS! This is bullshit!  Why do I have the be the mystery case?  Why can't for one stupid day something go right?  Why can't the doctors that go to school for 8+ years figure out what is causing my platelets to tank and stay tanked?Do you know how irritating it is to get a phone call every single week "hi Tanya, it's me your body, making life that much harder, Platelets 20's."  FORGET THIS AND FORGET YOU CANCER!  Forget all of this! It's MY BODY, not YOURS!  I will not let you take over MY BODY.  I will fight you tooth and nail and I will give you one hell of a run for your money. 

 

Mostly I miss being ME. 

Being seen for just who I am...ME.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Just ME. 

I hate what cancer takes away from you.  It takes away the ability to lead a normal life.  It tries to take you health, your body, your mind, your spirit and your hair.  I really freaking miss my long beautiful hair.  I will NEVER get over the fact that I have this short ugly pixie bullshit.  It takes EVERYTHING from you.  It sucks and sucks and sucks until there is nothing left.  I am no longer Tanya, Tata, TRizzle, T, Babe, Brat, TMoney, T Nasty, Teetos, Tay Tay, or any other nickname you all have for me.  I am simply a cancer patient.  Most of all cancer takes away the small things we take for granted every day.  What I wouldn't give to be able to work a 40 hour work week at my job.  As much as I hated that job, I would give anything to be able to clock in at 8am and out at 430pm.  A paycheck.  I haven't gotten a paycheck in over two months.  Cancer is expensive too.  Or just to simply have a conversation with anyone that doesn't revolve around my diagnosis.  I would give anything to be able to just have my old life back.  I never understood when and good friend of mine told me "it will try and take everything from you, don't let it.  It will change the person you are, you will never be the same as you are now" Going through this I didn't understand what she was talking about.  I didn't know it would impact my life THIS much.  I mean I knew, but didn't if that makes sense.  I didn't know it would change my whole life and every aspect in it.  Down to the very last detail.  My life, my whole life...cancer has taken over.  It's everywhere.  In my dreams, my body, my mind, on the minds of my loved ones.  It's in everything I do.  I eat to starve the cancer.  I exercise to strangle the cancer.  Instead of the news "it's shrinking", I get "it's gotten bigger"  Instead of normal trips to the doctor, I get check ups once a month.  Blood work every week.  High blood pressure.  Chemotherapy drugs that make you wish you were dead just so the discomfort would go away.  Radiation Therapy with side effects you will have the rest of your life. 

 

Today Breckin started crying at the doctors office.  He said "it's scary Tata" to him I put on my brave face, a smile and with tears in my eyes I said "it's not scary buddy, Tata is going to be just fine.  I promise" I can make this promise to him, one of my best friends.  I will be OK.  After all I won't break a promise to him.  I will be around for him throughout his whole life.  He can count on that.  There is still so much I have to do in my life.  I want to run a marathon.  I want to have babies of my own some day.  I want to get married to the man I love.  I want to see my beautiful nieces and nephew develop into amazing individuals (they are well on their way).  I want to grow old.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  As much as cancer has taken away from me, it has given just a little bit in return.  It has taught me to be thankful.  Thankful for the time I have with each one of you.  For the memories I am making.  All the time I get to spend with Breckin and Ella all day every day, wouldn't change that for the world.  Thankful I have an amazing support system that would do anything for me at the drop of a hat.  Thankful that the good Lord is present in my life.

 

 Today WAS an emotionally for me.  It reminds me I am still human and I shouldn't keep it all in for so long before I just BLOW! That no matter how strong I think I am, I am not strong enough to do this  on my own.  Thank you again for all the love and support you all have shown me throughout my last 8 months.  I'm still going strong.

Tanya