Friday, February 28, 2014

4 Months

It's been 4 months. Today. 
Today, 2/28/14 marks 4 months since Tanya's passing. 
4 months of not seeing her smile. Not hearing her laugh or cry. 
4 months of not getting a text or phone call. 
It's been 4 months of not seeing her; talking to her, calling her, FaceTime chats, laughing or wishing we could be closer in distance to one another.
4 months of not being able to rummage through her closet for something to wear. No carpet picnics. No shared dinners. No evening walks. No shopping. No movie nights spent talking and laughing the entire time. 

It's been 4 months of not having my sister around, 4 months has passed since I last saw my sister. She was so amazingly beautiful. So beautiful my Dad asked if we had put makeup on her the day she passed; she was that beautiful! I've wished for so many things. I've wished to have been able to talk to her. To have her talk to us, smile, a squeeze, a movement...something...anything but I know deep in my heart, she WAS doing all these things. She knew we were there, we are ALWAYS there. After-all, she had to know...we weren't that quiet & she was happy about it! I know that she made the decisions she did so that she could be with us during our trip to Florida.  

Somehow her passing seems like it's been easier for me (although it hasn't) to deal with because I moved just 2 months before. In some small way I think this is how it was suppose to happen. It killed her that we were moving. It killed her to let go of me and the kids when we left Paradise Bakery that night. It killed me to leave her. It hurts to know we aren't just down the street from each other anymore. We were always together, doing something.

It feels as though I just moved away and that she will be in Arizona when I go back.  I know she won't & I know she's always with me in spirit; I see her everyday in my children, even in the smallest of ways; especially Breckin. They were best friends. If you ask him today who his best friend is, he will say Tata. I see her in myself on days when I want to give up, on anything. I see her in my niece, my Mom & Dad and my Sister!  I see her everywhere. So I know she's around and teaching me valuable life lessons. Im sure Dustin appreciates her being around too, she was always the one who knew everything about my life and marriage even if she didn't want to. Haha.  

The hardest thing for me to get past are the things that's changed since she's been gone. Relationships aren't the same (even some stronger than before), friendships have failed, hearts are broken & feelings have been hurt. I know in time things will sort out, they always do but it doesn't make it any easier. There are days when all I want to do is make a call or text, but I don't. I stop and pray. Praying. It's become a necessity & should be in everyone's lives. Tanya and I were suppose to get baptized in July last year...we never did. She was too sick, so in her honor on Easter Sunday I will get baptized. I know she will be there right beside me and it's going to be the best day ever! 

She's my rock, my strength, my Sister & one of my best friends. She's amazing and always will be, but she's missed greatly and while it's already been 4 months I know that for her, although she misses us greatly it's been 4 months of being FREE! 
Free from pain; endless doctors & appointments, medicine, tubes, monitors, being exhausted, needles, nephrostomy tubes/bags, free from being bald.  It's been 4 months of not having to fight every minute for her life. It's been 4 months of being in the most amazing place we all hope to be someday and 4 months of being CANCER FREE!  

Time will continue & on those hard days I have to simply remember that just because God doesn't answer your prayers, doesn't mean he's not listening, he's just got something better in store for you!  We love you and miss you everyday & know you are looking over us all!  

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